The Latest

Sep 7, 2014 / 1 note

YSL ‘Top Secrets’ BB Cream Skintone Perfector - REVIEW

I had never heard of BB Creams until about a month ago. I was up at 2am, lamenting about how my child does NOT make me feel young, but rather, on account of pregnancy and breastfeeding has totally eliminated any chance I might have of turning back time on my face. My skin is haggard at the moment. And no, I can’t use retinal (not safe for baby), so I was feeling like a dullface. 

Anyway, I started looking into BB Creams for some reason and couldn’t find ANY that were light enough for my albino skin, but also had yellow undertones. Most make-up companies think that we pale ones are all pink. Nope. Not me. I’m a golden skinned albino. Sunscreen with zinc matches better than most foundations. 

One afternoon, I took Wylder to Nordstrom (where he really turned on the charm, of course - he saves smiles for strangers) and tried a bunch of BB creams. My favorite - the - most perfect - the BEST BB Cream, by FAR (for my skin) was from YSL. 

I’ve been using it for two weeks and love it. Light coverage, but not as light as tinted moisturizer. It really put a pep in my step before I had to head back to work. 

Totally worth the money. BIG WIN. 

I’ll post a pic of my latest make-up bag goodies later this week. I’m feeling pretty good about what’s in there these days. 

x,

H

Sep 6, 2014 / 1 note

Wylder

On June 3, 2014, Wylder Maxwell Russell Modine came out of my belly screaming. I’d been rolled out of the delivery room like a luau pig, on my hands and knees. My mother had posted on facebook MOMENTS before I was carted away that I’d gone into labor (never mind that I’d been laboring for 24 hours), so as they wheeled me out, I yelled to Husband, “CALL HER AND TELL HER TO TAKE THAT F@#KING POST DOWN!” He did. She did. And at 11:46am, Wylder arrived via emergency c-section. He hasn’t stopped eating or screaming since. I love him. 

Sep 5, 2014 / 2 notes

PUBLISHED (part 2)

This is the second story published in the compilation. I only intended to write one, and then my husband reminded me of this story. It’s actually true. Pretty much. You write what you know, right? 

There’s a lot of funny material in this book, btw, so if you’re looking for something hilar to read, check it out

FORGIVE ME FATHER : For I have sinned.

I may or may not have intentionally thrown a tennis ball with my dog’s chucker at

a mutant child who was being very nasty to his family.

This happened in the summer of 2009.

The child may or may not have been riding a bicycle with said family. My dog

MAY or MAY NOT have knocked said child from said bike in an effort to fetch - as black labs are want to do.

The child may or may not have yelled, “MOMMY SHE HIT ME,” as it laid on the ground post bike fall.

I may or may not have yelled back, “YOU DESERVED IT FOR BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE TO YOUR FAMILY!” to the child.

It was a dark moment. I’m not proud. That’s why I’m here.

I also need to confess about a recent incident at a movie theater.

When people laugh obnoxiously in the theater – usually with a mouth full of popcorn and or milk duds –I am prone to mimic their laughs.

Loudly.

Like this:

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. {this should be a terrible laugh noise – loud and piercing and awful}

When those people laugh at non-funny moments in the film – and they ALWAYS DO – I may laugh back louder, more obnoxiously.

If ever I’m asked to go to dinner and a movie, I decline. I know how it will end.

He’ll hate me forever after he sees what I do.

That’s why I need your forgiveness.

But really, when things aren’t funny, you ought not laugh.

STOP IT.

{a beat}

Perhaps LOUD LAUGHER didn’t know that she was making my eye twitch as she cackled and sprayed her diet coke out her nose when the rest of the theater was silent. Perhaps she doesn’t know I can hear the popcorn-gummy-bear-hotdog smacking every time she opens her big gross face to laugh at Charlie Swan’s one liners in Twilight.

Forgive me father: I went to see Twilight in the theater.

{a beat}

I paid full price.

Sep 5, 2014 / 1 note

PUBLISHED

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About a year ago, a girlfriend of mine asked if I’d submit some monologues for a compilation book she was putting together. I’m not a comedian, but my kid thinks I’m funny. 

So I wrote a couple of short stories and submitted them. 

In September, Hal Leonard Publishing released “WOMEN’S COMEDIC MONOLOGUES THAT ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY” and my two stories were featured. 

So, now I’m published, and it’s not even an E-Book. 

Here’s one of the shorts: 

ALBINOID, I AM.

I found out today, I am albino. {A beat}

I’m not joking. {Another, awkward beat}

I can hear what you’re thinking: “But she doesn’t have red eyes? Does she?” “She’s lying.” “I’ve seen albino turtles on Animal Planet … all albinos have red eyes and feather hair.”

Well, you’re wrong. A red eye does not an albino make.  Of course I didn’t know this until today, when I found my people. 

Flashback now, to me, age 5, diagnosed by my pediatric ophthalmologist as “almost albino.”

My CRAZY mother – oh you think YOUR mom is crazy? You think ALL moms are crazy? DID YOUR MOTHER SHOW UP TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL BAND CONCERT WEARING LINGERIE?!?! 

I digress … my crazy mother diagnosed my albinism LONG before finding said pediatric ophthalmologist … it only took her 8-quacks to find one who would agree with her.

To be fair, I look nothing like my mother. Or my father. I mostly look like my step mother, who I thought for years was really my mother, who only gave me up to my crazy mother because she felt sorry for her. Dammit … I keep losing focus.

Did you know that most albinos are legally blind? Including me. 

Hence the ophthalmologist.

So upon the diagnosis of almost albinism, I was sentenced to death by way of photo-gray lenses. Do you know what they are? Have you ever seen a mug shot of a creepy trucker with tinted glasses? Those are most likely photo-gray. No, they never really un-tint. Yes, they are always brown and creepy.

My father denounced said pediatric ophthalmologist (and my mother) – I should mention, they’re divorced – and purchased ANOTHER set of un-tinted glasses for me to wear on the weeks I was at his house.

Evidence of the façade that lasted for 6-years thereafter is my double set of school pictures: tinted creeper child photos at my mom’s, and (same outfit) normal lenses at my dad’s.

It really is a miracle I’m not a sociopath.

By the time my mom learned about my 2nd set of glasses, I already had contacts, and she was busy diagnosing me with extra bones in my feet (she almost convinced a podiatrist to put casts on both feet to “calm the inflammation” before my dad intervened and bought me Birkenstocks to help my arches).

For nearly 25 years, my almost albinism has been my father’s family joke.

Until today, I went to the eye doctor. I can never seem to get a 20/20 prescription and I was hoping she’d give me some glasses to put over my contacts so I could see street signs again. Or for the first time.

This particular doctor was a specialist, she’s used to seeing weird eyes. But when she saw mine, she started giggling. Giddy like.

An eye doctor laughing, when you’re helpless with dilated pupils is somewhat disconcerting … so I asked,  “what the hell is so funny?”

She said, “Well, I’ve just only seen eyes like yours in textbooks. Never in real life.” {A beat} “You know, ocular albinism.”

What. The Fuck.

(Doctor) “Because your retinas sparkle.”

{A beat} (BLANK STARE, jaw drops)

 (Doctor) “No one ever told you?” (a beat) “When I look at normal eyes, the retina is like a piece of cardboard. Your retinas are like Swiss cheese. The light shines through and makes them sparkle. Red-eyed albinos’ eyes quiver in the light, yours just shine.”

That’s right everyone … my eyes sparkle like a Twilight Vampire.

Becoming and albinoid, as we like to call ourselves, was the best day of my life. There is something really liberating about never having to try to be tan again. Also, I’m a genetic goddess. A lot of shit had to happen for my eyes to twinkle like they do. It’s a shame I have to keep this secret from my mother, I wouldn’t want her to know she was right.

Feb 21, 2014

Road Trip: Morro Bay & San Luis Obispo. 

Feb 20, 2014 / 2 notes

All in a day’s work. Fun shoot in LA. 

Feb 19, 2014 / 2 notes

LEG DAY - 26 WEEKS PREGO

I’ve been working like crazy and sadly hadn’t been to the gym in a week or so. It felt so good to be back. I’ll be sore tomorrow. 

Another sad thing, no more dead lifts. I’m not sure what the pros say - but for me, they just don’t feel right with my belly. So, I’m all about lunging these days. Amazing for Sciatica. 

Here’s what I did today:

Barbell Squats - 5 sets, 45 lbs, 10 reps each

Dumbbell Lunges - 5 sets, 20 lbs„ 10 reps each

Leg Press - Alternating stance - 5 sets, 100 lbs., 15 reps each

Leg Extension - 5 sets, 40 lbs., 10 reps each

Walk 40 minutes.

DONE!

xx / H 

Feb 18, 2014

Adventure in Boca Raton. 

Feb 17, 2014 / 2 notes

Almost-Cake: Blueberry Protein Muffins

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These really do taste like cake. I could have just eaten the batter, but I know I’m not supposed to, what with the raw eggs and all. Anyway, this recipe is amazing. If you want a quick hit of protein and a sweet snack, make these. 

The recipe makes about 12 muffins

- non-stick cooking spray

- 1 cup vanilla protein powder

- 1 cup oat flour

- 2/3 cup honey

- 1 tsp. baking soda

- 1 tsp. baking powder

- A dash of Kosher Salt

- 1 1/2 cups nonfat, plain greek yogurt

- 2 eggs, beaten

- 4 tablespoons earth balance, melted and cooled (you can use olive oil or another butter substitute, but I can’t vouch for it). 

- 1 tbsp. vanilla extract

- 1 pint of fresh blueberries

 * Heat oven to 350.

 * Coat muffin tin with cooking spray 

 * Combine everything except blueberries into a mixing bowl and mix it all until it’s super smooth. 

 * Fold in the blueberries, reserving a few to top the muffins

 * Spoon into muffin tins - and top with 3-4 blueberries

 * Bake until top is golden - about 30 - 35 minutes.

DEVOUR!

Recipe adapted from Domesticated Academic! DELICIOUS!

MACROS:

Calories - 196

Fat - 5.1 (g)

Carbs - 27.6 (g)

Protein - 11.2 (g)

Jan 25, 2014

6 Small Meals - 1/20/14-1/24/14

Monday, January 20

7am - 1 scoop chocolate protein powder + 1 cup of coffee

9am - 3 scrambled egg whites with 1/2 oz. of goat chevre and lemon pepper, 1 slice ezekiel toast topped with 1/2 tsp. earth balance & 1/2 tsp. raspberry preserves

11am - Peanut Butter Protein Ball + Protein Shake

1pm - Peanut Butter Protein Ball 

3pm - Bowl of Cereal (it was a total craving - organic “fruit loops” type cereal) 

5pm - Turkey Chili with Corn Bread 

Tuesday, January 21

7am -  1 scoop chocolate protein powder + 1 cup of coffee + 4 oz. Kefir

9:30am - Peanut Butter Chocolate Overnight Oats

11:30am - 2 egg whites, 1 piece of turkey bacon, 1 tbsp. shredded goat gouda, in a tortilla (breakfast burrito) 

1:30pm - Turkey Chili with Corn Bread

3:30pm - Cottage Cheese with Blackberries 

5:30pm - Peanut Butter Protein Ball + Grapes

Wednesday, January 22

7am - 4 oz. Kefir + 1 scoop protein powder & 1 cup of coffee

9:30am - Breakfast Burrito  (2 egg whites, 1 piece of turkey bacon, 1 tbsp. goat gouda, in an organic tortilla)

10:30am - 1 cup of red grapes

11:00am - Peanut Butter Protein Ball

12pm - Turkey Sandwich (2 slices ezekiel bread, roasted turkey, 1 slice dutch goat cheese, yellow mustard, 2 slices tomato, spinach)

2pm - Elvis-Inspired Overnight Oats

4pm - Banana w/ Honey

6pm - 1/2 Cup Cottage Cheese

7:30pm - Turkey / Goat Cheese Enchiladas

Thursday, January 23

7am - 4 oz. Kefir + 1 scoop protein powder & 1 cup of coffee

9:30am - Breakfast Burrito  (2 egg whites, 1 piece of turkey bacon, 1 tbsp. goat gouda, in an organic tortilla)

11:30am - Banana + String Cheese 

1:30pm - Almond + Honey Rise Protein Bar

2:30pm - Spinach Salad with shredded roasted turkey, olives, jalapeños, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, and balsamic dressing

4:30pm - Whole Foods Beet Juice 

6:30pm - Almond + Honey Rise Protein Bar

8:30pm - Lowfat Turkey Meatloaf

Friday, January 24

7am - 4 oz. Kefir + 1 scoop protein powder & 1 cup of coffee

10:30am - Almond + Honey Rise Protein Bar

12:30pm - 1/2 Turkey Sandwich on Sourdough Roll - turkey, spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, banana peppers, pickles, jalapeños and a tiny bit of yellow mustard.

2:30pm - The other  1/2 Turkey Sandwich on Sourdough Roll - turkey, spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, banana peppers, pickles, jalapeños and a tiny bit of yellow mustard. 

4:30pm - Probiotic Drink 

5:30pm - Almond + Honey Rise Protein Bar

7:30pm - 4 beef bolognese raviolis from Trader Joes - plain

8:30pm - Organic Fruit-O’s Cereal from Trader Joes (3/4 cup) + 3/4 cup plain, unsweetened almond milk. 

Jan 24, 2014

Chocolate Peanut Butter Overnight Oats

I had gotten off the overnight oats thing for a while (for whatever reason overnight oats were a food aversion during my 1st trimester). But now I’m BACK! These are amazing. They sort of taste like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But for BREAKFAST! And THEY’RE GOOD FOR YOU! 

Recipe 

1/4 quick cook, steel cut oats

1 scoop chocolate protein powder

1 tbsp. crunchy, unsalted, organic peanut butter 

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

1/3 cup unsweetened almond milk 

Handful of blackberries & walnuts (or whatever toppings you want) 

Mix the oats, protein powder, peanut butter, vanilla, and almond milk together - stir until it’s smooth. Top with berries and walnuts and EAT IMMEDIATELY - or put it in your fridge and eat tomorrow morning. 

Can’t wait to have mine at work today! 

xx/H

Jan 23, 2014 / 3 notes

First Trimester Essentials

1. Cereal - STARCH STARCH STARCH STARCH STARCH STARCH. I haven’t eaten this many unrefined carbohydrates since I was 16 and didn’t know any better. I’m not sure about most women - but for me - one day all of my favorite protein foods made me gag. Literally. Gag. I just couldn’t conceive (pun intended) of eating tempeh ever again. Now in my second trimester, I still can’t. Just typing about it makes me want to hurl. Sigh. The kicker when you have morning sickness is that even though everything makes you want to throw up, you have to just keep eating. Eating when you’re not hungry. Eating. There is a creature inside you demanding food. I ate Puffins and Sourdough Toast 5 or 6 times a day, every day for 4 weeks. I’ll never be mean about carbs again. Dear Bread: I love you.

2. Shift Dresses - If you’re planning on getting pregnant, buy some swingy dresses now. You’ll wear them when you’re skinny, you’ll wear them when your bloated as all hell. And you will be. Bloated. As. All. Hell. OMG.

3. Heating Pad - A lot of women run really hot when they’re prego, but I ran cold at first. And still cold when I am just lounging around. Nothing feels better on a Sunday than being horizontal on the couch, with a heating pad, wrapped in a blanket. Now in my 2nd trimester, the heating pad really helps when I have round ligament tearing pains. And my cats love it. 

4. Bio Oil - Skin that is stretching gets REALLY itchy. Even before my belly grew, my bosom was blooming. Bio Oil saved the day - I put it on in the morning and in the evening before bed and it really calmed my dry, dry itchy skin. I’d avoid anything thicker at this phase - it will get all over everything. Just ask my still oily steering wheel about the one day I rubbed vaseline all over my belly and body. Big mistake. 

5. Sports Bra - Holy crap, my breasts feel like they’re filled with rocks. And bras just really aren’t comfortable for me to wear them to bed. Solve? Sports bras. They strap down those boulders and give you some comfort when you’re getting your lounge on. I’ve had to size up in my 2nd trimester, but I still wear them almost every day. 

6. St. Pauli N.A. - I know “they” say you can drink when you’re prego. I’ve had a few real beers so far - well actually - just a few sips. I’ll probably drink a few more glasses of wine and whatnot when I get into my 2nd trimester, but why risk it? I just want a taste of beer with dinner - and St. Pauli NA is pretty darn good. Also, seltzer with fresh lime.

7. Ginger Candy - This was a deal breaker for me when I was sick. My acupuncturist actually gave me some candies from a Chinese grocery store in town. Just find the non sweetened, STRONGEST ginger you candy you can and suck on it. Instant relief for nausea. PS: Ginger Ale does not work. Ginger beer might - but stay away from the sugary ginger products, because they don’t help. 

8. EOS Lip Balm - My skin dried up like I’d spent weeks rolling around in the Sahara. Seriously - my lips got weird dry patches and then puffed up, like I’d had work done. I had to CONSTANTLY apply chapstick and for some reason, this stuff is fun for me to use. I like the shape of the container and I like how the minty flavor makes my lips numb. 

9. Tylenol PM - Toward the end of the 1st trimester, I started getting a lot of headaches. Oh, and sleeping became a real biotch. It’s not that I “liked” getting headaches, but I didn’t mind the excuse to take a tylenol PM, which would ENSURE I would get a good night’s sleep. I don’t take them all the time - but on those magical nights when I DO take them, I feel like a new woman the next day. 

10. Trader Joe’s Pre-Cooked Meals - I. Just. Can’t. Cook. Anymore. The kitchen makes me sick. And when I get home, I’m so tired, the thought of standing up and making dinner is more than I can handle. Thank goddess for TJ’s. Husband is fed, and I can sleep. 

11. Prental Probiotics - You can get them at CVS or Whole Foods. I had read the horror stories of people getting … ahem … backed up during the 1st trimester. As long as I kept taking these, that was never a problem for me. You have so much else going on that is whacko in your body, this is $20 well spent. 

12. Last thing - buy a good water bottle. Drinking a million glasses of water a day has been really important. It makes my skin not as scaly (though it’s still reallllllllllyyyyyy dry), and it has kept me from being too sick and too hungry. Get a good, glass, pretty one. You’ll hate plastic because if you’re anything like me, you’ll be able to taste the plastic flavor after a while. 

xx/

H

Jan 22, 2014 / 1 note
Jan 21, 2014 / 2 notes

LEG DAY - 22 WEEKS PREGO

Again, I’m sad to say deadlifts aren’t doing it for me these days. They just kind of hurt my belly. :( 

I’ve been having some issues with sciatica, so I thought I might try some lunges today, to strengthen my lower back and give it a good stretch. So glad I did. My butt was happy too. Also - since my balance isn’t PERFECT these days (blame the baby), the Smith Machine was PERFECT, kept me from wobbling. I’ll def do these again.

7 x Sets Barbell Squats @ 65 lbs (keeping things light these days) - 10 reps / set

6 x Sets Leg Press (alternating stance, hip width, legs together, wide stance) @ 90 lbs - 12 reps/ set

3 x Sets Smith Machine Lunges @ 65 lbs - 10 reps / set

xx/

H

Jan 20, 2014 / 2 notes

SHOULDER / BACK DAY - 22 WEEKS PREGO

It kind of hurts for me to bend over too much (Little Boy Modine is a low rider) - so I’m not sure if dead lifts are in the cards for me for a while. {sad} That said, I have learned to LOVE assisted pull-ups - they’ve been a great addition to my back workouts. 

Here’s what I did today: 

7 x Sets - Seated Cable Rows @ 40 lbs (10 reps/set) 

7 x Sets Assisted Pull-ups (7 reps/set) 

5 x Sets Dumbbell Shoulder Press @ 15 lbs (10 reps/ set)

5 x Sets Rear Delts (Reverse Flyes) @ 30 lbs (10 reps/ set)

Walking outside @ 3.5 mph 40 minutes

I love it when he kicks when I’m working out. We have a little muscle boy on our hands! :)